


Save me?

by Skeleton_Wolf



Series: Sterek Short Stories! [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Help, M/M, Overthinking, Pre-Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 19:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20711288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skeleton_Wolf/pseuds/Skeleton_Wolf
Summary: Stiles thinks too much and ends up in the preserve. Will anyone find him or will he be left to his own spiralling thoughts?





	Save me?

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Anxiety attack

Their life was fucked up. So fucked up and Stiles was struggling to handle it.

Sitting on the edge of his bed he had come to the realization that he did, in fact, not know how to handle it. He thought he could, thought he had it all under control, until now. Well, if he thought back he’d actually known for a while but just didn’t want to admit it to himself because it hurt too much. 

He’d tried everything he used to love: drawing, photography, cooking, baking, not even research could stop the onslaught of hate and pain and just general chaos his brain was producing. His life was so fucked up, way too far gone for any one person to save. He dug his hands desperately into his hair. Werewolves, fucking werewolves, was the most simple thing in his life right now and that was saying a lot because werewolves came with a whole lot of their own overweight baggage.

His brain skipped quickly from one thing to the next, Adderall not helping, nothing helping. He’d been through so much from hunters to being possessed to being completely and utterly forgotten. Right now he could do with that again. So much pressure. Scott had put so much pressure on his shoulders and he didn’t know what to do. He stood up and began passing. He had to figure out what was going on, what all these missing people cases were about. Like seriously, hadn’t they already been through the whole ‘missing people’ thing before. The last time had been so much easier.

Yep, definitely fucked the hell up._ “Lats time,” _Stiles chuckled darkly to himself as he thought about it. Scott had asked him to, more like demanded he, find out what was going on. That kind of pressure did not sit well on Stiles’ shoulders. He had been up all of last night and the night before running on coffee and five-minute naps alone. It was not sitting well with him. Not at all, he felt like he was losing the last shreds of sanity he had… Again.

It was too much he needed to get out, out of his room, the room filled with memories good and bad, the room filled with reminders of the supernatural, the room filled with everything causing him stress, everything he didn’t want to deal with right now. He needed to get out of his house, he just needed out. So he left. As quickly as he could, slipping his shoes and hoodie on, opting out of driving knowing in his sleep-deprived state it would be rather dangerous. Although, that, he did find vaguely ironic since he’d spent most of the past gods know how long around Satan knows what. Honestly, at this point, he would not be surprised to find out that he had actually met Satan in disguise at some point, it would be just his luck. And if he hadn’t, he would probably do so soon. Like seriously, he’d met and dealt with so much shit nothing really fazed him anymore, but that didn’t stop it from being stressful as all hell, which he would probably end up in accidentally, without dying at some point. Oh no, stress was something that came along with _ “the life” _and it was driving him insane, he didn’t ask for this he was just dragged into it and now he wished he’d fought against it harder. He didn’t know how much more he could take before he just spontaneously combusted. He shrugged to himself, it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. It’d be dramatic but when did he do anything undramatically? And it would be fun to see Derek's face as he just went up in smoke and flames. Priceless in fact. 

He paused momentarily in his aimless meandering to wonder if there was an afterlife, a few years ago he would’ve said “no, definitely not” but now? He didn’t know. Although that seems to be the case with a lot of things recently, according to Scott anyway. 

That was another thing that was getting on his nerves, Scott. He’d been being a real dick recently and Stiles didn’t really know what to do, just one more thing to add to the ever-mounting pile of _ “Things that are causing me to internally die”. _ Yeah, that was a real fun pile that he’d just been ignoring for awhile in very strong hopes that it would shrink and eventually go away on its own. One of the many talents he had. Yet it didn’t seem to be working with Scott and that was a real pain in the ass since he really did not like the idea of actually dealing with shit. Well, he’ll give it a bit longer try and keep that ever-dwindling flicker of hope that his best friend was not gone. Mainly because he wasn’t ready to accept he’d lost another person so close to him. He’d already lost his mother, he’d basically lost his father to his work, his supposed girlfriend had been cheating on him so he’d dumped her last week, that didn’t stop it from hurting. He didn't know who Malia had been fucking but he just could not find it in himself to care enough to find out. That and he felt like the answer would not be pleasant. Scott hadn’t been there for him, he’d needed him but he wasn’t there. Kept claiming he was “too busy” or “dealing with more important stuff” the latter of which really hit home for Stiles, it used to be they were the most important thing to each other and now… Now Scott had a girlfriend and a pack, one that was slowly pushing him out. One that he’d spent so much time on, risked so much for. One that he loved. One that didn’t appreciate all that he'd done for them and he was only coming to realize this now. He was losing them and he did not know what to do. Another thing to add to the aforementioned pile.

Not to mention he’d lost, more like killed, Allison. They had been closer than everyone had thought, being the only two humans in a pack had that effect. And then there was Isaac, not dead just gone because of him, that’s what he thought anyway. He’d killed her, Isaac loved her and Stiles had killed her. He had been ignoring all their calls and texts and eventually just changed his number. Erica, Boyd, both dead. His Catwoman, he really missed her. They hadn’t spent enough time together, he should’ve made more of an effort. He should’ve tried harder, should’ve but he didn’t and he’ll forever live with that guilt. He had no release.

He shook himself trying to rid his thoughts of the things he’s been trying to repress for what was probably an unhealthy length of time. Pulling his red hoodie tighter around himself, he reached up to his face as he felt droplets of water slide down it, to his surprise it wasn’t rain. He scrubbed furiously, trying to clear the tears from his face but it wasn’t working. He’d stumbled too deep in his mind and was now drowning in his thoughts. He tripped over a tree root. When did he enter the preserve? That didn’t matter, he decided as he sat down on the offending root. He had to dig his way out of this hole before it was too late, but what if it was already too late? No, he refused to believe that. Happy things, think happy things. It wasn’t working. How could it when people were gone because of him, dead because of him. The words swam around his head. _ Dead, gone, dead, gone, dead, gone. _ Like a broken record, spinning so fast he was afraid it would snap. And then it did. He was too late like he’d feared. Always just moments too late. 

His breathing was too fast, his mouth too dry, the forest too quiet, the world seemed to spin just like his thoughts. Scott was gone. He should just accept that since it was true and sometimes the truth hurts. It hurts like a knife to the gut. Come to think of it he’d knifed, more like katanaed, Scott to the gut once. Yeah, that probably didn’t help with their friendship much. But it wasn't his fault, he didn’t have control over his body. He should've been stronger though. Fought harder. People kept telling him he did his best, although he could see the lie in their eyes and what if the lie was the truth, what if he could’ve fought harder, what if he just liked the power? It was all too much, to gods damned much. Everything that could’ve gone wrong, did and now he couldn’t breathe. Everyone he loved was leaving him if they hadn’t. It was fair he was weak, pathetic, annoying, always in the way, always the one who got in trouble, always the one to bring others down with him. Maybe Derek had been right he was just some_ hyperactive spaz._ Correction: Derek had definitely been right.

Derek, oh gods Derek, just the thought of him sent chills down Stiles’ spine, pathetic. It was pathetic how he pined over someone who only talked to him when he needed help with some supernatural shit or on Pack Nights when Stiles got up to get something and Derek couldn’t be bothered to move. But did that stop the pining? Oh no because that would be logical and smart and everything he’s not. Derek, how he wished Derek was here right now, holding him, explaining to him why he was wrong about every word that seemed to be etched into his brain - though he would always know he was right, the only thing he’s been right about for a long time - muttering words to him to help him breathe. Air, he missed the cold, fresh air, he needed it to fill his lungs until they felt like they were going to burst but instead they felt like they would just collapse under the weight of every new truth searing its way into his already overcrowded brain. He tried his old method of counting his fingers but they were shaking too severely. He tore his hoodie off trying to make the world feel less like an oven. Trying and failing.

He thought about calling someone before remembering no one cared, not even his own father. But he really needed someone, anyone. His breathing got harsher, dark spots grew over his eyes and the hard ground he had found himself on seemed to have fallen away. The air hit his skin like daggers constructed of ice and now he knew he’d really lost it. Flying. He felt like he was flying like arms were wrapped around him, keeping him safe and... oh shit, he’d been kidnapped again. Of fucking course! Just his luck, what was he expecting. He was Stiles Stilinski, a kidnapper magnet and he was curled up, outside having an anxiety attack. But the arms felt so warm and muscular and the sent was so familiar, so, so very… 

But it couldn’t be, his mind was playing tricks on him. He tried to force his eyes open, tried to look up at his supposed kidnapper but failed. Like he did everything else. He failed. He failed at stopping the Nogitsune, failed at being a good friend for Scott, for everyone, failed at being a good pack member, failed at being a good boyfriend, hence why Malia cheated on him, failed at being a good son, failed at helping, failed. He’d failed everyone. Failed them all. Failed himself. 

Why should he try and stop this person, this way he didn’t have to deal with losing what little he had left.

There was an oddly comfortable object placed underneath him, or he was placed on top of it, then gentle hands ran through his sodden hair. Slow, calming, large hands. He heard a murmur of something outside his overwhelming bubble of panic and knew it was probably his kidnapper. He really should be more worried about that but something in his gut told him he was safe, not that it really mattered but it was the same thing that told him not to trust Theo, the same thing that told him Matt was evil and hey guess what? He had been right then although failed yet again to warn his friends, well that was not necessarily true, he had told them they just hadn't listened. He should’ve tried harder. It was his fault. Always his fault. 

That same murmur rang in his ears and this time it sounded vaguely familiar.

Derek, that was Derek's voice, was it not?

“Stiles? Come on Stiles, you need to breathe, gods I don’t know what I’m doing, please Stiles.” Okay, that was definitely Derek, but what was Derek doing helping him? Was he doing it out of pity? No, Derek didn’t do pity, so what then? “Stiles, please.” He forced his eyes open and, as soon as they landed on Derek, crouching next to the comfortable squishy thing that Stiles classified as a couch, he jumped back, curling in on himself. Not that he hadn’t expected someone to be there, he just hadn’t expected it to actually be Derek - it could’ve, still could be, a hallucination. Especially since Derek had a look of concerned panic gracing his beautifully sculptured face. Fucking hell, he reprimanded himself before realizing Derek was talking to him again.

“...ou weren’t responding so I brought you here.” Stiles made an undignified, confused noise at the back of his throat still trying to calm his shaking hands and his erratic breathing.

“In the forest, I heard your breathing, went to check it out, found you…” he trailed off as he realized that maybe Stiles didn’t really care right now and that he was making a massive fool out of himself.

“Derek?” His voice came out strangled and desperate as he continued to be confused as to why Derek seemed to care and didn’t seem very, well, very Derek. 

“Stiles, I don’t know how to help you. I tried talking to you before, you didn’t respond. What do I do Stiles?” Okay well, now Stiles was really confused, almost confused enough to be distracted from his slowly shrinking, or was it just collapsing in on him like everything else, balloon of fear. Almost. 

When Stiles' response was still lacking and Derek was still unsure of what to do, he pulled out his phone, googling _how to calm down a panic attack. _Luckily for both of them, he found a good website almost instantly, taking a quick mental note to chastise himself later for not doing this initially. 

“Stiles, I need you to look at me,” when he had Stiles' attention, which was easier than expected, he continued. “I need you to focus, okay?” All he got was a nod in response. 

“Okay, I need you to name five things you can see.” Another nod but still no verbal response, so Derek coaxed him a little.

“Your eyes,” Stiles’ eyes darted around taking in so many things it made his head spin yet again, he couldn’t seem to pick out anything else, how could he be failing at such a simple task? That didn’t need an answer, not really, it was right there in the question. Failing. That was just his _thing._ His hand flew to his hair, tugging none too gently as he tried to focus. One thing, amongst so many. His stomach twisted, he needed to get out, get to a restroom. But he couldn’t move, once again, stuck.

“Stiles, hey can I touch you?” One more nod. He pulled carefully at Stiles’s hands, un-entwining them with his hair and placing them between his own in his lap. “Focus on me, okay? What else can you see on me?”

“Your hair, your lips,” This he could do, “your nose, your clothes.” His breathing was more even than it had been only a couple of minutes ago.

“Four things you can touch or feel.” maybe an ultimatum was not smart right now, even one this small but it seemed to work anyway.

“Your hands around mine,” Stiles’ cheeks grew hot as he spoke but he went on, “the couch we’re sitting on, a slight breeze from the open window and--” he trailed off unsure of what else he could feel, he shifted “And the fabric of my clothes.” Derek gave him a reassuring smile before he spoke again.

“You’re doing so well Stiles, three things you can hear.”

“I can hear you talking and the same breeze as before and my voice.” His heart had slowed to a more steady thrumming, his words becoming more sure.

“Nearly there, two things you can smell.”

“The preserve and the leather of your jacket.” Was it odd that a human with completely normal senses could smell that, probably not, right?

“Last one, name something you can taste.”

“Salt? I-I can taste salt.” he knew it was from his tears from earlier, pathetic. Weak. Just like him.

“Good job Stiles,” to both of their surprise, Derek pulled him into a tight hug.

“Derek, why--why are you being so nice? Why did you help? I don’t deserve it, you should've just left me there, it would’ve been better for both of us. You wouldn't have to deal with someone you hate and I-I wouldn’t…” he trailed off knowing that if he finished that sentence Derek would kill him. Maybe that would be for the best, no one would have to deal with him anymore, everyone would be happier without his useless, waste of space self. 

“You wouldn’t what?” Stiles couldn’t bring himself to answer. It would change everything, possibly ruin it all because he was in love with someone who could never love him back. Who was he kidding? No one could ever love him, he was a coward, a gods damned coward and everyone knew it. He felt one more word burn into that dark, ever-present crevasses in his mind: _ unlovable. _

“Stiles?” he’d taken to long to answer, he needed to think of something. 

“I wouldn’t have to deal with a fake Derek.” Only sort of a lie, maybe Derek wouldn't catch it.

“Stiles.” The warning undertone sent a thrill through Stiles that he would never admit to.

“It doesn’t matter. I-I don’t want to talk about it.” they both knew that the last sentence was more about the attack than anything else. And although Derek knew some people didn’t like talking about what was going on in their head he thought it worth a try, but he wouldn’t push.

“You should,” he made to go on but was cut off.

“To who Derek, huh? You, why? You never cared before so why do you now? Never even spoke to me unless you needed something, a lot of those things included me shutting up. So why do you want me to talk now, hmm? Why do you want me to open up and tell you why I broke down in the middle of the fucking preserve because for the life of me I can’t work it out. Why did you help me, Derek? You hate me, always shoving me against walls, trying to silence me, never cared because why the hell would you? No one else does. And fucking hell does it hurt, it always does, no matter how many times you do it, no matter how many times I’m left behind, no matter how many times I’m shunned and pushed to the side it always fucking hurts! ” He had stood up and begun pacing by this point, hands flying through his hair once again as Derek watched in shocked horror, both glad Stiles was talking and worried because of what he was saying but unable and unwanting to stop him, knowing this could help Stiles. Help was what he needed right now, Derek realized, he didn’t have anyone left to help him. 

“Everyone's always leaving me if they haven't already and why would they stay? I’m annoying as all hell, weak, pathetic, _ human _.” The wors felt like a punch to the gut but Stiles ploughed on. “I’m a waste of space, only useful in a situation where you need a research assistant, I’m not funny, my hands aren't clean - we all know those people were my fault.” The Nogitsune. Derek knew that Stiles blamed himself but not to this extent, knew he struggled sometimes but not this much, knew they left him behind but never thought of what it would look like to Stiles. He wanted to hold Stiles, tell him he could help, tell him it was going to be okay but was it? “A coward, Derek, I’m a coward. I can’t even tell you that I’m in love with you because I’m scared what you’ll say, you’d probably kill me and… And… Oh, gods, I said that out loud.” Finally coming to a halt, eyes wide, he slumped against a wall watching Derek, trying to gauge his reaction.

After what felt like eons but was probably only a few minutes of Derek just sitting there in complete and utter silence, no emotion on his face, not even a flick of one of the caterpillars that settled above his eyes, Stiles spoke more to himself than anything, “Why can’t I just _ shut up? _ I always ruin everything.” And then arms were around him, pulling him onto a lap. “Woah, what the--”

“Don’t you ever say that again, okay? You didn’t ruin anything.”

“Wait but--” he was cut off once again.

“I- Stiles, you’re my mate. I’ve known for a while and I’ve struggled with it because I thought you were straight, I never smelt any interest on you and it hurt. That’s why I hardly ever talked to you, it hurt to goddamn much, why I pushed you against walls, to be close to you and to shut you up before I broke. Every time you spoke, everything you said, it stuck with me, worming its way under my skin, making me want you more. And every time I felt myself wanting you more, I tried to push you further away.” That was the most Stiles had heard Derek talk, well, ever.

“Mate? But, no, but why? Why would you want me? I’m nothing Derek. I'm no one.” His voice slowly grew, gaining certainty of his words and it broke Derek's heart, this was his fault, his and his packs and he needed to fix it.

“You are not no one, Stiles, you’re someone. The pack wouldn’t be able to hold it’s self together without you, you’re our glue and we need you, I need you. We may not have shown it very well, but we do. I’ll do better, I’ll talk to the pack, I’ll help you every time you need me to and more. I’m here for you, I’m always going to be here. I promise. I’ll fix this.”

“Why help me?” It sounded stupid to Stiles’ ears but the words were out and he couldn’t take them back, not now.

  
“Because what you said before it made me realize we take you for granted and I’m sorry I didn’t realize that sooner. You deserve to be treated better and you will be, from now on. And I think we both know what you said there was, is, more to it, you don’t have to tell me right now if you don’t want to, take your time, tell me when your ready, whether that’s tomorrow at lunch or in four weeks in the middle of the night. I’ll be here and I’ll help you and we can get you a professional if that’s what you want but if not you can stick to me and I’m sure after we talk to the pack, if you want me to that is, they’ll be up for a chat at any time as well.” And for the first time in a long time, Stiles felt wanted. He felt okay, not perfect but okay. And maybe it wasn’t happily ever after but for once he felt like it could be.

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I hope you enjoyed this one, I wasn't too sure what tags to use so if there are any I missed that you think would be good to add please feel free to comment below. If you want to leave kudos or comment that'd defiantly be welcome. Thank you for taking the time to read this, have a great day!
> 
> P.S. if you have any tips on how I could improve my writing that is also welcome. :)


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